Only one other person ON THE PLANET will find this amusing, because she'll get it, but I'm posting this anyway.
A few days ago, a friend and I were watching a cartoon and heard a really, truly, absolutely horrible pick-up line. And it was the best kind of "horrible," too. Not horrible as in boring, or horrible as in offensive, but horrible as in capable of causing an audience to collapse in a fit of laughter. And the line is:
"My heart is a high-pressure front, and the barometer's rising."
Alone, it's only snerk-worthy at best. It doesn't become truly gut-bustingly hilarious unless it's taken in context. The line is not delivered straight, see. It is delivered with a sultry look and with eyebrow wiggles. And it delivered by the parrot Iago from Aladdin, who is hitting on a green bird four times his height. She controls the weather. (Go
here, skip to 5:47. It will elicit vaguely amused bafflement.)
But even without that context, it's a pretty bizarre pick-up line.
The person I was watching with and I quickly agreed that this was the best (or worst?) pick-up line of all time. Which gives me an obvious quest: to find a line that tops it. A line that, of its own merit, beats out the "barometer" line.
Hence, I journeyed to
The Most Complete and Most Useless Collection of Pick-Up Lines, which is just what it sounds like. And here, out of the 1300+ options, are the ones that I think are serious contenders. The criteria:
-cheesiness
-strangeness
-lack-of-suaveness-when-clearly-suavenes
s-was-intended ...ness
-non-explicit; we're starting with a Disney line, after all. This is a blurry criteria, since Disney manages to slip some rather non-kid-friendly things into their stuff. ("Look at that, Abu! It's not every day you see a horse with two rear ends!") Innuendo is fine, as long as there are no dirty words and as long as it could easily be misconstrued into an innocent line. Or if it's amusing enough to get away with it.
-must be something that compliments the
victim target, explains how the speaker feels about the target, or something similar. Not something intended to flatter the speaker or tell the target how s/he should feel about the speaker. Ex: "Wow, you're hot," meets this criteria. "I've got more money than you can spend," while more amusing than the former line, does not meet this criteria.
-for bonus points, must be even funnier if you can imagine Iago saying the line. In some cases, obviously, it won't make sense. He neither has a house nor a car, much less keys to them. But don't let that ruin the fun.
( Bring out the clowns! )There are our contenders. Some are quite amusing. I cannot say for sure whether any of them top the "barometer" line, though; there are just so many good options. Such a dilemma to have.
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